"I’d lost me": How Tracy found her way back to herself after 20 years of chronic pain

When Tracy first began feeling pain in her back, she was a busy working mum of teenage twins, juggling family life with a career she loved. “It surprised me - I was starting to lack a little bit of energy, and my back was incredibly painful by the end of the day,” she remembers.

At first, doctors diagnosed osteoarthritis. It was unsettling news, but Tracy was determined not to let it slow her down. “Because life is busy, it was ignored and I just carried on,” she says. “I loved my job, my kids were growing up, they wanted to go to university - and I was adamant I’d be able to help them fulfil their futures.”

But over time, Tracy's body kept insisting something wasn’t right. It was a now a different kind of pain from what she recognised with the osteoarthritis, and Tracy was generally feeling more unwell in herself. Then came a new diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis.

“I was really cross about that,” Tracy said. “Because I just had too much to do.” 

Pictured: Tracy (left) with her twin daughters, Charlotte & Wendy

Searching for relief: The "Painkiller Route"

Determined to keep going, Tracy trialled various treatments for the rheumatoid arthritis. Some came with severe side effects. Others worked better and allowed her to stabilise, but once she returned to work and was more active, it was clear that more help was needed. 

I couldn't manage [work]. It was too much. I was on my feet, I was moving around, and it was becoming very difficult. So then I started going through the painkiller route, something to help. Just a little bit of comfort to get me through the working day.

Tracy visited her GP, a pain relief specialist, and a rheumatologist for advice around pain management. Each visit resulted in a new medication to try. Unfortunately, Tracy began to realise that not only was she experiencing unpleasant side effects such as extreme fatigue and forgetfulness, but the medication was only effective at reducing her pain when she was resting, meaning her world started to shrink smaller and smaller. 

Tracy shares more about her experience with pain medication in the 3-minute video below.

Please note: The views and experience of pain relief medication are Tracy's own, and Breathworks do not discourage the use of any medication prescribed by a trusted healthcare professional. Each person's journey with chronic pain will look different.

Alternative approaches to pain management

After deciding the current pain management plan wasn't working, Tracy decided to work with her GP - who she found incredibly supportive - to gradually reduce her medication, with the exception of one drug which was working well. She was feeling "significantly better", sharing: 

I was awake. I was [no longer] falling asleep while people were talking to me. Family were a lot happier. And… I just was able to start to think again, and to process what was happening in my life

With her pain medication reduced, Tracy's symptoms now felt more manageable, as if "a layer had been removed". However, there was still a level of pain, fatigue and discomfort to contend with. At this point, Tracy contacted her local pain control unit at Hywel Dda, who ran a holistic pain management programme including elements such as pain education and mindfulness, and it was here that Tracy was introduced to simple breathing meditations. 

The bedtime hack for falling asleep in 20 minutes

It used to take Tracy hours to fall asleep. When her head hit the pillow, there wasn't a sense of rest or relaxation, but intense pain due to the changes in body position. On the course provided by the Hywel Dda pain clinic, Tracy learned a simple breathing practice which ended up being pivotal in getting a good nights rest:

By using my breathing at night, I could actually relax. I didn't realise how tense I used to hold myself and my body. It was like I was guarding it against involuntary movement that would cause pain.

By relaxing, I was actually getting more comfortable, and - instead of lying there, trying to find other things to do to take my mind off it [the pain] - I tried just literally concentrating on my breathing and counting down from 300. I almost never got to one.

I could be asleep in 20 minutes, which was absolutely huge for me. 

Exploring mindfulness for pain management

After feeling the benefits of the bedtime breathing practice, one of the senior physiotherapists at the Hywel Dda pain clinic encouraged Tracy to explore the Mindfulness for Health 8-week course offered by Breathworks. 

I read about Breathworks online and I was really struck by the way that it talks about treating yourself with kindness and understanding and with love, because I don't think I'd done that for a great many years. I was too focused on just trying to get through the day.

The experience of a group-based course

Ahead of the Mindfulness for Health course, Tracy reports experiencing a little bit of "trepidation" because in a previous online group course for pain (not Breathworks) she felt out of place - it became clear that the level of health challenge Tracy was working with was more severe than many others attending. "I felt awful", Tracy said, "and I was incredibly embarrassed," unable to relate to the conversation or participate in the exercises which were too demanding for her body.

For that reason, Tracy was apprehensive about the group format of the Breathworks Mindfulness for Health course, but after being offered a pay-what-you-can (bursary) place, she was determined to meet this opportunity with an open mind. To her surprise, she felt immense relief from the very first session.

"We were such a Broad Church of conditions and problems - everything you could possibly imagine. The one thing we had in common was that we wanted to be there and we wanted to make life better " 

Hear Tracy's full account of the group experience in the 1 minute video below: 

More than just a mindfulness course

Tracy anticipated that the Mindfulness for Health course would be "quite a clinical thing,", but she found it covered far more than practical pain management and meditation techniques.

It deals with your attitude and your mindset. For example, my body - the thing I've disliked and almost disowned for such a long time - well actually, it's rather good. For example, my breathing is great. It's an old friend who's always been with me.

Treating yourself kindly is such a huge task when you haven't done it for a long time

As well as reconnecting with herself, Tracy shared how the course helped her be part of the world around her. "It's very easy to shut yourself away because you feel embarrassed by the way you look or move," but this course helps with your "ability to make contact with other people. To become a more sociable human being, to be useful to other people. All the things that confirm who we are and what we are are discussed during those eight weeks, as well as doing the mindfulness exercises themselves which are incredibly valuable."

The joy of moving in new ways

When asked about her favourite practice from the course, Tracy didn’t hesitate: it had to be the mindful movement — a series of very gentle sequences that help anchor attention in the sensations of the body.

The mindful movement was an absolute eye-opener for me. The finger movements were my favourite, especially doing them to music - it’s such fun! These kinds of movements don’t hurt my body at all.

Sometimes it’s too much to do my physiotherapy exercises, but mindful movement - I can do this every day. It means I’m not so worried about sliding backwards

Finding freedom in 'normal things'

A simple trip to the recycling centre became a turning point for Tracy. It happened during the first week of the Mindfulness for Health course, when she was practicing the breathing exercises she'd learned in class.

The errand seemed manageable - carrying light items from the car boot in several short trips, however on one trip back to the car, the pain began to intensify. A familiar panic set in - what if I can't make it back? What if this pain gets worse?

This time, Tracy had a new tool. She sat on the boot of her car, let the sunshine warm her face, and closed her eyes. She began her breathing practice, anchoring her attention to her senses: the sounds around her, the feeling of the breeze, the smells in the air.

Only for a few minutes, and I felt my entire body relax. All of the panic that I wasn't going to make it back to the car, or that something was going to go wrong - it just subsided. I still hurt, but it was a bearable hurt. And just those few minutes of doing that meant I could finish what I wanted to do.

The significance of the moment went beyond pain management. Tracy had done something normal — and enjoyed it.

"Doing normal things is just so important. It's what makes us all connect and feel human — the fact that we can all do normal stuff and chat about our normal day."

Life now: Rediscovering what's possible